Taking Back America

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The Weekly Roundup: Making The Onion unnecessary since 2015!

From Campus Reform
Campus Reform Reporter | May 09, 2016

The headlines we were tempted to run, and the commentary we couldn’t.



Monday, May 2

SIU students go on strike for more money because ‘things are so terrible here’

Anybody who has ever been to Carbondale can easily understand the sentiment, but that’s still no excuse for behaving like Frenchmen.

“Why strike?” Don’t ask. You’ll only get a rambling and incoherent list of grievances encompassing everything from the existence of mean people to the injustice of taxpayers refusing to provide every comfort the students desire.

Wesley students say black cartoonist’s criticism of Black Lives Matter is racist

The Black Student Union issued (surprise!) a list of demands, and to our great shock, one of them actually seems to make sense, because judging from their overreaction, the students truly are in desperate need of “additional mental health professionals.”

UNM students want president to condemn ‘racist’ native-designed seal

The students are upset that the Indian-free seal was created “without the input or consideration of Indigenous people.” Except, you know, for the Native American artist who actually designed the seal.

Alright, we’re convinced. Now we just need the students to issue guidelines so that we know what else to complain about. Last we checked, there were no depictions of Native Americans in the Pizza Hut logo, either, even though we know for a fact that many Native Americans enjoy pizza just as much as their white peers.

SDSU president has car blocked by protesters after supporting free expression

The action was fraught with symbolism, as the students demonstrated the type of response they expect from administrators when some uppity conservative starts expressing opinions.

From now on, all university vehicles will be equipped with cow-catchers.
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